Sunday, March 1, 2009

White as Snow

There is snow blowing sideways outside my windows and I have a renewed sense of excitement for life.


So, I hit a bit of a low a few weeks ago.
Tears, saying things I didn't mean, and being mean in general.
It was awful.
After far too much analyzing, both by myself and with the listening ears of Theodore, we pointed blaming fingers at the following culprits:

Cabin Fever, tired but true. I went from riding my bike each and every day to being indoors at all times other than walking to and from my car and buildings. My body needs to move.

Transition periods always freak me out, and yet every time it happens, the anxiety comes as a surprise. The end is in sight. We leave Chicago in early July and I already sense my heart detaching itself from this place that I've just been beginning to get to know. What lies ahead is a mystery full of adventure. Which is exciting and scary and getting closer closer closer, fast fast fast. I can feel the time slipping away and I am worried that I will not accomplish all of the things I said I would do, and the worry makes it even harder to do them.

I am getting older. Old parts of my self have died off and been reincarnated as something strange and unfamiliar. I belief that live is to progress, but progressing means moving both towards something and away from something else. All the while I am learning how to keep moving while anchored to another living, human being, as that person learns to live attached to me.

My job is a leak in my spirit and the hole is getting bigger. My responsibilities increase and I am pushed down as soon as I get my head above water. Or so it feels. It would be better to be alone in this struggle, but it seems that all of my coworkers are spread to thin, and so we pull on each other.

And then, finally, everything broke.

I told one of my supervisors at work how things are, and things have gotten a little less stressful.
Ted and I sat down and made a game plan for All The Things That Must Be Done Before May (when the weather gets too nice to be anywhere indoors when you aren't using a toilet, a shower or a mattress), and I have been accomplishing small tasks.

Things are feeling better and I can honestly say I am happy again.

Today will be the fourth installment of the Souper Series and I am looking forward to it, but more on that later.

love live love